“Hurry up!” a voice calls – the manager, you think. “It’ll be dinner rush soon enough. That dragon-fueled hot pot is not going to fill itself.”

Is that where the mist is coming from?

You’re trying to squint through the fog when the manager comes up to you. Her hands are now carrying large bushels of grapes.

“There’s someone I want you to meet,” the manager says. “A visiting archeologist, very important. The professor. Over there.”

She nods her head in the direction of a man kneeling down in the dirt. If it weren’t for his size and relative lack of dirt, you’d have mistaken him for another of the golems. You go over to him.

“Hello, professor,” you say, and he stands back up, taking you in behind those thick glasses and bushy beard. You like him immediately.

“This is an extremely interesting place,” he says as he squats back down and pokes at the dirt. You follow him, curious, but also afraid of more golems popping up. They’re sweet and friendly, sure, but they also came out of the dirt with no warning and you do not want to be on the receiving end of that. “You know, I think it’s just the place I’ve been looking for. It’s been written about, spoken about, and perhaps I’m the lucky one to find it.”

The professor’s eyes glimmer as he speaks and you can’t help but feel his own excitement filling you.

“Like what?” you say.

“Oh, strange things, interesting things. Artifacts, magical dirt…” He smiles, it lights up his whole face. “You should keep digging and see what you can find.”

Grape Board 2 Grid and List of Goals

Grape Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

You sigh in relief at surviving the lunch rush and hitting your earnings goal. Hopefully you’ll get an excuse to go playing in the dirt instead. A light fog has settled over the café, hiding the disconcerting wiggling pears on the ceiling from view. Fuzang is curled around the pear juice fountain and seems to have dozed all through the lunch rush.

Before the Manager can flag you down, though, Fuzang rises and eels his way over to you. “You know, I am quite fascinated by the ground here,” he begins. “The golems here are completely unique, and several aspects of them suggest that there might be something even more interesting buried in the soil. I’ve tried applying for a permit for an archaeological dig here, but the Manager keeps blocking me. I know you have other, more pressing duties, but if you dig out anything else interesting from the fields at the back – or even just some more of that dirt – I would be more than happy to compensate you for your labor.” He then produces a business card, revealing that he is a professor at one of the most esteemed dwarven universities.

“Of course, Professor,” you say.

“Oh, no need to stand on formality with me. I’ll be right here.” He curls back around the pear juice fountain. A golem brings him hotpot. It looks suspiciously pear-flavored. Unlike all the other customers, he doesn’t need a shoulder dragon to keep the hotpot hot.

The Manager hasn’t given you new instructions yet, so you go back out to the back, pear hat wiggling jauntily on your head. The fog is even worse here, making you unsure of how much you’ll have to dig, but you’re sure you can manage. You’re really digging this archaeology sidequest, and who knows – maybe you’ll find something to escape this cooking simulator.

Time to embrace the dirt again!

Pear Board 2 Grid and List of Goals

Pear Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

Stray wasn't kidding about the lunch rush. You can see through the windows that the formerly empty cafe is filling up with all kinds of supernatural creatures. You see some old friends among the trolls and sprites, and you want to stop and say hello to them, but you're covered in dirt and know better than to go in the front door of the cafe. Instead, you haul all the vegetables (and the remaining fries) to the back entrance, where Stray eagerly collects them. "These will be super helpful!" they say. "Give the dirt to Runner, will you?"

You look around, not sure who Runner is or how they're going to collect the giant heaps of dirt that you turned up while looking for vegetables. But when you turn back to the dirt pile, you see long, slender green vines twining up over and around it. Several of the vines briefly entangle themselves to form a dragon's head on a long neck. "Thank you, my darlings," the dragon coos as you stare. "This is exactly what I needed."

Then the vines – no, you realize, the runners – return to slithering over the dirt, dividing and shaping it into odd little mounds and drawing designs on them. Green energy crackles along the runners and infuses the heaps, and they suddenly bounce up from the ground, startling you. As you yelp and jump back, the heaps of dirt land on their... feet??

Glowing green words on their foreheads make it clear that these are golems. You haven't encountered them before, but you've heard stories. Not sure what to expect, you stay huddled with your teammates in the shadow of the cafe, waiting to see what happens next.

Runner coalesces again. "Sweet children of the soil! How I missed you," it cries. "Come take your places."

The golems seem to know what that means; some start turning the remaining soil into a patio area, while others fetch chairs, tables and green-and-pink-striped umbrellas from a storage shed. You see one of them stop to fondly pat the X-ray machine. Apparently they didn't mind being prodded by it.

Stray comes back out and nods approvingly at the golems. "Nice work," they tell Runner. Then they turn to you. "All right, time to get onstage!"

"Onstage?" you repeat, alarmed. You're exhausted from working in the field, not to mention filthy.

"Yes, yes, onstage! We promised the customers you'd entertain them. Aren't you all bards?"

You look around at one another. "More or less," one of you admits.

"Then leave the serving work to the golems and come perform. Customers always tip better when there are bards." Stray points to a water tap sticking out of the building. "But wash up first."

With no other option, you all line up for a chance at the tap. At least the water is warm, and someone in your party even remembers to cast Detect Fuck-Water and make sure it's safe before anyone touches it.

When you're moderately presentable, you head into the cafe and get ready to perform. An income tracker appears on your dashboard as you set out your tip jar. You hope it's an easy crowd.

Strawberry Boss 1 progress tracker

Strawberry Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

( Boss 1 Rules )

“That would be the lunch rush,” the Manager says. You see a name tag on her dress. It reads “Manager MANAGER, Café Manager.” It seems that the saying nomen est omen does apply after all.

You re-enter the café just as a giant horde of dwarves comes in, probably from the mines. Some booths are already full of all variety of creatures, crystal sprites and faeries and selkies – and is that a lava mermaid on the top level? – and you can see that with the dwarves, the place will be packed.

Just as you’re about to start frantically chopping vegetables, one of the other servers says, “Oh, he’s early today!”

You look at who could have inspired this reaction and see that a dragon has poked its whiskered face in through the window. You don’t remember the Pear Wiggler having a window there when you came, but perhaps they remodeled while you were in the fields.

The dragon seems to be incredibly distracted by the pear juice fountain. He squirms inside the café sinuously.

“New people!” the Manager calls. “Give the old geezer the dirt you dug up. And hurry up, we have an earnings goal to meet!”

You look at the earnings goal and think you’ll be here all week before you can meet it, but keep the thought to yourself. Instead, you bring the dirt to the dragon, only to discover that… it’s coming to life?

“Ahh, golems; I was wondering if this would happen,” the dragon says. He sounds old and wise. He joins you in watching the golems spring to work, serving people at a pace that might make the Manager’s earnings goal at least somewhat realistic. “But there’s no need for you to mind old Fuzang. Go entertain the customers and get some tips.”

Tips? Perhaps they will be counted towards the earnings target. You thank Fuzang for his advice and spread out to entertain waiting customers with art and stories.

Pear Boss 1 progress tracker

Pear Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

( Boss 1 Rules )

Lore is part of the fun of Battleship, but it has no bearing on the actual game. You can skip posts tagged "lore" if you just want the game instructions.

When we left our heroes...

You take your winnings off to the Shoulder Dragon Cafe, planning to settle in for some hot pot and a well-deserved rest. You also really want your new octopus friend to meet the shoulder dragons; you think they'd get along well.

But when you step through the door of the cafe, there's a weird shimmering blur. It's magic, but not a kind you've ever seen before.

Inside the cafe, things seem... different. Everything looks flat, and pastel-colored. Every sound is tinny, and just at the edge of hearing, there's a little song playing over and over and over.

"Welcome to your first day as a cook at the Shoulder Dragon Cafe!" cries a cheerful voice. It's a rainbow-colored shoulder dragon, hovering over one of the tables with jerky flaps of its wings. "I'll show you how to keep our customers happy! Are you ready? Let's get cooking!"

"Oh no," one of your companions whispers, just as you start to really regret pushing the buttons on those mysterious goblin machines. "We're in a cooking simulator."

A new round begins!

It seems homes for dwarves, mermaids, sprites, and trolls are not the only things being built on the construction site. Each day you glance out the window of the Shoulder Dragon Cafe and see curious things going on. Until one day you look and see four new buildings. Not only that, but each has a large garden sectioned off. Taking a closer look, you see it’s not only vegetables growing. Is that pizza? Is that a bone?

“You’ve leveled up,” one of the Shoulder Dragon Cafe sprites tells you all as you look out the window, watching. “Time to go across the way.”

You'll miss the Shoulder Dragon Cafe. People, creatures, and animals have come from far and wide to taste test the delicacy of your hot pot. But you know the call to adventure still whispers – and you’d like to get home. Maybe. Eventually.

So gathering both old and new friends, you venture across, and as you get closer you see that atop each building is a fruit. The Fraise Lounge reads one, a juicy red strawberry good enough to eat just out of your reach. The Pear Wiggler that does indeed seem to be wiggling. The Lemon Pucker Cafe and Adult Bookstore that smells of sharp, tart citrus wafting through the air. The Enchanted Vine that sparkles above you.

Suddenly, a dwarf appears from under the ground. He shakes the dirt from his head and takes you all in. He might be small, but he makes you feel even smaller, like he can see right through you. “Are you the replacements?”

You don’t know what to say.

“For the golems,” the dwarf says. He sniffs. “I have to say, not sure you’ll be able to live up to them.”

“Well,” you say, “we can certainly try.”

The adventurers gather around this small, strange man and stare at the four cafes. Just as you’re about to start helping divide up teams, you hear something coming from the nearby lake. You stop, frozen in fear, as four huge octopuses rise from the water. They’re various shades and you’re pretty sure at least some of them have to mean poison: yellow, red, green, and purple.

Before anyone can react, the octopuses span the distance between you and them, and begin to toss players toward the different cafes. You find yourself flying through the air, sure this is the end of you, but thanks to the magic of fiction, you land safely on your feet.

Team Grape

You are one of the lucky adventurers to end up at the bright purple door of the Enchanted Vine. You can smell the tang of wine, of juice, the fresh greenery of grape vines that all but engulf the cafe’s windows.

Before you can knock, the door flies open and a woman in a loud purple dress stands there. Her clothes seem to move on their own, flowing in the nonexistent wind. You try and see beyond her but the vines have made the inside dark. You can smell something delicious, and your stomach grumbles.

“Enough of that,” the woman says. “It’s about time you’re here. Quickly now, it’s lunch rush soon and we need our vegetables.”

Well, you said you wanted a job.

“Oh!” The woman says suddenly. “Make sure you get plenty of dirt, too. You want to upgrade the cafe, don’t you? We’ve been hoping to install that patio for a while. Let the customers get some sunshine, you see.”

Your eyes still haven’t adjusted to seeing inside the cafe with how dark it is. You can’t imagine it’s a popular cafe.

And did she say dirt to… upgrade? Whatever, this place is weird enough, might as well listen to what she says.

When you step onto the loony dirt of the gardens, a screen appears before you. X-ray scans available: 144.

It just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

“Uh,” you manage to ask, “what’s your name?”

The woman waves you off. “Just call me the manager.”

Team Lemon

The Lemon Pucker is a maze of a place, with lots of cozy nooks for reading and some curtained booths in the back for… um… let's just say those are for private reading. The air is filled with the scent of tangy citrus. Patrons are drinking lemon verbena tea and nibbling on lemon poppyseed cake. It's well-lit and peaceful, and you wish you could just sit down and enjoy it.

But you're here to work, and the cafe manager immediately pops out from behind the counter and bustles over to you. He's short and round and is wearing a yellow t-shirt that says It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine. "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" he cries. "We're so happy you're here!"

He introduces himself as Mr. Snikkit ("No relation, it's a different spelling, you know") and takes you out behind the cafe to where there's a big garden plot. It looks totally barren. Nonetheless, Mr. Snikkit gives you all shovels and instructs you to start digging.

"What are we going to dig for?" you ask skeptically.

Mr. Snikkit gives you an encouraging smile. "Whatever you find!"

Someone behind you snorts. "I don't think we're going to find anything but dirt."

"Oh, yes, save the dirt!" Mr. Snikkit exclaims. "Very important dirt."

He dashes back into the cafe, saying something about dragons and golems. None of it makes any sense, but that's par for the course.

As you fan out across the garden plot, looking for places to dig, a display pops up with your level goals and tools. Apparently you can use an X-ray machine for… something… 144 times. Maybe to see what's happening in those curtained booths.

You stare out at the dirt (important dirt) and sigh. It was more interesting at the Shoulder Dragon Cafe, where you got to actually cook. But grinding is how you level up, so you heft your shovel and set to work.

Team Pear

You sigh with relief at this interlude leaving you alive and on dry land. You’ve been deposited in front of the Pear Wiggler, so you decide that this must be the place to start.

You push open the suspiciously juicy door and see a space where the architect’s plans must have gone pear-shaped – rather literally, as the interior is in the shape of a giant pear. Staircases run along the edges of the café, leading to suspended booths of various sizes, and a fountain of pear juice occupies the center. The ceiling is covered in pears that are wiggling in a most disconcerting manner.

“Oh, the new employees!” a passing server says. “Thank pear — we really have been noticing the golems' absence.” Like everyone else, he is dressed in bright green, with a hat that looks like a giant pear has been mashed on top of his head. Somehow, it, too, seems to be wiggling. “Quick, go report to the manager. We don’t have much time before the lunch rush, and I think the kitchen was running out of vegetables.” You allow yourself to be directed to the base of the pear juice fountain and think that a quick run to the market to buy new ingredients would be a nice and easy task to start with, assuming you don’t get waylaid by the octopus or something else ridiculous in your usual fashion.

The manager, however, disabuses you of this notion. “Oh good,” she says. Somehow, in her green dress, she looks like a giant pear with legs. She has a slightly less giant pear smooshed on her head. You think you can see the juice dripping down her hair. “The vegetables are ready for harvesting. Go out and dig them up.”

You nod, hoping there won’t be any sudden floods or cave-ins or giant creatures flinging you about. A glance at the garden patch reveals nothing but dirt is visible. “I don’t see any vegetables?”

“That’s what the x-ray machine is for,” she says, and points at a cubical contraption on somewhat rickety-looking wheels. “On the screen you can see your vegetable target for this morning. Oh, and remember to save the dirt you dig up!”

With that, she leaves you to the dirt. You see a bunch of ostensibly vegetable-related numbers, as well as the text X-ray scans available: 144.

Suddenly, a pear mashes itself onto your head. You yelp and look around – all your friends are also newly bepeared.

“Just because you’re new doesn’t mean you can violate dress code!” the Manager shouts.

You sigh as the pear juice drips down your cheek. Looks like there’s nothing for you to do but start digging.

Team Strawberry

The sweet, luscious smell of ripe strawberries fills your nose as you step into the Fraise Lounge. It's a large yet cozy space, with big soft pink armchairs and green runners twining up the legs of hand-carved wooden tables. All the servers wear cute little hats of strawberry leaves and polka-dotted pink aprons. And there sure are a lot of servers, all bustling around trying to look busy, even though there's hardly anyone else here.

"Excuse me," you say as one hurries past with an empty tray. You're pretty sure she's just been carrying that tray back and forth across the cafe and won't mind the interruption. "Um, we've been assigned to cook here."

"Oh thank goodness," the server exclaims. "Stray! It's the new group!"

Stray is apparently the name of the person who comes out of the kitchen, wiping their hands on their apron. They've gone a step further than the servers and dyed their hair green, arranging it into leaf-like sections above their cheerful pink face. Or… are those actual leaves? You don't want to stare, but you've also never seen a strawberry/human hybrid before.

"About time," they say, gesturing for you to follow them through the kitchen and out the back door. "Since the golems vanished, we've been struggling to meet demand."

"Not to be rude," you say, "but... what demand? You don't seem to get a lot of customers."

"Just wait until the lunch rush!" Stray laughs. "Trust me, we'll need everything you can dig up and then some."

The garden plot is a big square of plain dirt. "But nothing's growing out here," you say.

Stray hands you a shovel with a wink. "Start digging. You might be surprised. And save the dirt – if we get enough to build a patio, we can handle even more customers."

As you take the shovel, a dashboard appears with a set of indicators: target amounts of vegetables, something hidden with a question mark, and the confusing sentence X-ray scans remaining: 144. It's weird being inside a video game, but at least you're clear on what to do next. The other members of your team get shovels, and you begin to dig.

Instructions for Board 1 are here.